There had been an unexplainable guilt haunting me for not turning all the roller-coaster of emotions and events into words. It felt like they have piled into mountains that are no longer reachable; and buried deep in oceans, no longer explorable, all lost and forgotten.
I’ve been driving on the fast lane— juggling so many things, hustling for so many pursuits, wanting to be in control, beating myself towards unknown destinations. While the road seemed easy and the journey worthwhile, I suddenly find myself stuck with flat tires and forgetting where I was actually headed...
You know those ugly feelings -- When you're wanting to do a lot of things, like a lot, and yet you can't. When you're clueless where to start. When all you have are ideas, then they remain to be just ideas. When you feel apologetic about so many things -- people, opportunities, etc., When you're frustrated for the lack of outcome. When you die to perfect a routine, (and yeah, your Instagram feed...) When God seems silent... I could go on and on. Keep doing, keeptrying, keep finding, keep seeking, above all — never ever stop. ever.
...Yesterday’s devotional perfectly puts it:
Doing the will of God is more about WHO you are than WHAT you do. We get so caught up on careers and influence and performance; getting it right, ticking boxes, getting our behavior approved by others.
Today I am very thankful I found an oasis in an emotional desert. (A planned trip was canceled for the weekend, and I find myself finishing a chapter from my current read, then breaking into realisations.) You know how God, for countless of times, shows us the beauty in being still. Jesus asked Martha to stop and be like Mary, doing teh more important thing: staying still in His presence. He calms the storm, asking even the wind and wave, "Be still."
You don’t have run after so many things.
The things you were called for are lined up to run after you.
Dwell in my perfect timing, enjoy waiting and stand in awe of the process.
Free yourself, rest in my abundance. Leave space for my Grace.
Be still - Stop running. Stop paddling. Stop performing. Be still.
There’s nothing to prove: not to yourself, not to others, especially not to Me...
My King has spoken, and so be it.
If you, my friend, are in the same boat, whether too tired of paddling or just sailing just where the wind blows... I pray that you find your rest, stillness of heart and peace of mind in God.