I tossed and turned on my bed at past midnight, then I curiously typed in Google, “symptoms of depression”. Is this pain natural? This could be something else, because this is just too much to bear.
It was the very night before my grandfather died. I was feeling so(ooooo) down, after he had been in the ICU for almost four weeks. I knew it. I felt it. It was his final night with us.
In the last five years, four of my loved ones have died before my eyes. Some, I have held while on their death beds and hugged until their bodies had lost all the warmth. It had always been a painful experience. From these, I learned that no one could simply get used to pain. As for death, when someone close to your heart dies, a piece of you dies with them too... and that piece tends to just remain there, perpetually dying. You miss them so badly, so much, so very much!!! And it is one of the emotions that you'd literally want to just shut off.
A day after our Tatay died, I and my cousin went to the mountains for her school project. When we were supposed to help clean our grandparents' house in preparation for the wake, my uncle told us to go out and calm our hearts down. The weather was perfect that day. It was sunny yet very cool as we were hiking a beautiful Pine forest. There, I took time to entertain every thought, listen closely, feel every breath, think hard and pray hard - until that real sense of joy and peace dawned on me, filling me with relief and comfort, assuring me that things are gonna be okay. In that moment, I breathed in deep and whispered to myself, “This is you God, this is your Presence.”
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Ps. 34:18
The verse tells us that our hearts will be broken and our spirits will be crushed. At one point in your life, you will encounter pain. You will cry. You will be tired. You will lose some people you love. You will be rejected. You will have to go through more days that seem so hopeless. More nights that will be sleepless. Things may continue to fall into wrong places. More loved ones may still die. Money may run out. You may encounter failures along the way. Life will continue to beat you and trials will come. There will be pain. But the beauty to be found from all of these is: these are the very things that we can freely bring to God. God’s presence is when comfort meets your sorrows, when your shadows meet His light; it is when His strength meets all of your weakness.
He wants your broken heart from you so He can bring healing for you.
He wants your weakness from you so He can bring strength for you.
He wants your emptiness so He can fill you and make you whole again.
That out of your brokenness, out of all these pain, you will decide to draw closer to Him.
That out of your rock bottom, you will find the Rock.
That out of your crushed spirit, you will recognise Him as your Saviour. I write these in the middle of moments where all those pain finally made sense, where my grief has finally been turned to gold. I could confidently say that every pain is worth aching, every suffering worth enduring knowing that God and His presence is my reward...
“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. - Roman 8:18
There may be pain in the night
but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5
I am certain that I never did grow in grace one-half so much anywhere as I have upon the bed of pain. - Charles Spurgeon